Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
