I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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