When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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