If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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