I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
