WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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