Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
