I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
