GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The feeling are messing with the penis
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
