My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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