I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
