That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
