I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
