We won't sleep together?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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