Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
