why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
