think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
