So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
