moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
