Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
