Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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