Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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