you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
