apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
