the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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