During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
