I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
