This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
