happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
