sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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