He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
