I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He shit in the fireplace
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
