Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
