i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
