he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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