I think i peed on brittanys purse
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
me + whiskey = a bad person
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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