Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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