Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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