im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
