Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
