I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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