there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
