He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
