I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
