having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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