don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
