I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
