Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
