Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
