Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
