Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
